OK, I guess I can start with this funny thing that I heard Nev say around the Holidays......she asked me if she had been naughty this year. So in an effort to always remain truthful to my children, I turned it around and asked her a question instead. I asked her why she wanted to know. And with a concerned look, she said that her friend told her that if she had been naughty......then she would get clothes for Christmas instead of toys.
Of course I was expecting her to say "coal" instead of "clothes".......so I explained to her that first, that was not true.......and second.....getting clothes is far from a punishment. How she could use some new clothes such as a winter jacket and snow boots. I went on to also explain that sometimes we get things that we need instead of the things that we want.......even when it comes to gifts.
So here it comes.....about a week ago. I was given the ultimate gift. A gift from Heaven above. I found out that I was pregnant.
I fell to my knees in total thanksgiving to God the moment I saw that second line come up. I kept saying how I knew God was so faithful. He put this desire in me for a reason.....and He always hears our prayers and follows through in His timing, discretion and ultimate will.
I also had this amazing peace over me from the very beginning. Another gift.
The "old" me would have called my doctor right away to order bloodwork, make appointments, and take control of the situation. I would have been peeing on a home pregnancy test everyday scrutinizing the lines and making sure they were getting darker to convince myself.
This time around.....I had no desire.
The "old" me would have told everyone right away in excitement. Believe me, I could hardly contain the joy and wanted to shout it from the rooftops......but I just wanted to keep this beautiful little bit of joy to myself for a bit. I guess I wanted to be a teeny bit selfish and not share any of the joy. It was like God and I had our own intimate secret.
Another reason I didn't want to tell people......and it might sound silly, but I didn't want to be the "woman who cried pregnant"......as I said, I have a history of early losses.....like 4-5 in the past couple of years....so sometimes I wonder what it must look like from other's perspective in terms of "why does she keep doing this?". Maybe I am over analyzing.....I dunno.
I was reminded on many occasions that this was absolutely a "gift". I mentioned in a prior entry that I was reading a book called "The Gift". What I didn't mention was that this book slid out from the middle of a pile of clutter on Josh's bureau. Only nothing else came down. There should have been an avalanche of envelops and random papers following it. But only this book slid down to my feet.
I would just randomly see or hear the word "gift" everywhere. Store signs, songs, etc. Call it coincidence. I call it angels' comfort.
Of course I poured my heart into this gift.....figured out the due date, picked out possible names and never even wondered if boy or girl. I didn't care.
When you are filled with pure joy from Above......I guess it is hard to conceal. Josh figured it out in a day. I was only due for my period to show up the following day, but he called me on it. Of course I could not deny it, as I giggled.
Men are complex creatures.....God wired them totally different than women, that is for sure. And I am sure for all the right reasons as He surely knows what He is doing. Some of the reasons and their quirks we can figure out, others.....we will only find out when we go to Heaven and can ask all those burning questions of life. And even then, I am sure men can stump even the smartest of angels watching from Above.
So after Josh got the color back in his face.....he proceeded to go in the bedroom and play Taps on his guitar. He always has this twisted sense of humor when dealing with "this kind of news".
After the initial shock wears off.....he goes through a series of emotions. I cannot say I truly understand, as I am not a man.....but I do know they are valid and his right.
Josh is a man who tends to carry the world on his shoulders at times. He is a Type A person to begin with and being the sole provider of our family carries it's own mountain of burden and stress. Ultimately, he knows and believes that God always provides.....but he has a hard time letting go of the reins at times. This becomes a vicious circle of stress and turmoil.
Satan's job is to divide. Divide marriages, homes and families. Divide people's connection/trust with God.
We have to be careful to keep the doors in our minds shut tight. When we have doubt and worry, we start to lose a little bit of faith, that door becomes slightly ajar......the enemy will slip right in.
Well Satan snuck into Josh's brain and started poking around. I can picture him questioning his ability to provide.....feeding him lies about how he is not gonna be able to do it. Telling him that he is going to be losing more of himself with this new responsibility coming. Just junk. Pure garbage. He kicks you when you are down. Being in that vulnerable state, he takes full advantage and piles in on. He is good at what he does.
But God is mightier.
Walking around bound in despair and feeling defeated, Josh came clean to me on how he was feeling. Of course this devastated me. Here I was on cloud 9 and he was on the other end of the spectrum.....in a pit of hell.
At this point, there was nothing I could do or say to change the way he was feeling. I knew the only One who could pierce through the wall that was built up was God Himself. I prayed....I asked God to release him of this prison and grant him peace. The same grace and peace that He has given me.
*I want to point out that even with our best intentions....we can never do the job like God. When I was trying to explain to Josh about how I have really turned over everything to God the peace that He has granted me.....I am sure I came off as "look at me and how awesome it is to be like me".....and I hope I don't sound like that, but I can see how it can be interpreted that way. Only feeling it firsthand can bring total understanding. And it's not something that you brag about in the sense of what you have......it's a different kind of "possession".....because you only want to share it. Hmmmmmm, OK......it's like when you taste the most awesome food and you just HAVE to insist that someone you love tries it because you want them to enjoy it as much as you do. Well, I guess that isn't the best way to compare, but it's all I can think of right now.
So we were brought to a pretty dark place for a few days and it was ugly. But again.......God doesn't allow things to happen randomly. There was a reason and a purpose.
It brought me to a place of understanding that this wasn't truly all about me. This gift was given to both of us, as parents. I had to step out of my little bubble and truly reflect on the big picture. Everyday I was praying to keep this little gift one more day (with my history of early losses) and thanking God that He trusted me with it. But during this darkness.....I turned my prayers over to Josh's peace and happiness. I prayed that God would rise up and kick the Enemy out of my husband's spirit. Then, I felt something different come over me..... this request came from out of no-where...my prayer changed to "Thy Will be Done".
*backing up a few steps, in the midst of this blend of excitement, I had confided in a couple of special friends about the pregnancy. My dear friend Claire, sent me a written prayer and the message of "Thy Will be Done". She will never know how God spoke through her......
I told God (ha, like I was in charge, lol).....that I trusted in His will for this pregnancy, baby and our future. I knew that He made no mistakes and this baby was sent here for a reason. I trusted Him and what He was doing. All I wanted was my husband to find peace and I knew the only way was to lay this all at His feet.
The next morning.....Josh woke up and apologized. Not only to me......but to God. He said that he was sorry he didn't see this blessing the way it was meant to be seen. He told me that he realized this wasn't his child, it was God's. And He was giving it to us for a reason. He felt peace and knew that everything was going to be OK.
Take that, Satan!
Yesterday I woke up to a little bit of spotting...of course my heart sank when I first noticed. This was an all too familiar place to be. I tried to not look inward and worry, but continue to look UP to God. For this is His will.........His Gift and He has a purpose for this life that was given and placed in me. I had to continue to trust in Him and what He has planned......no matter if it isn't what I think is best. For His ways are not my ways.
At church, Josh and I went down to the altar for prayer and had hands laid on us. Not just for the obvious, but for peace, healing and wisdom in our marriage and what the future holds for us. I prayed to God to help me let go of the reins that I seemed to started to grasp at in a "knee-jerk" worrying reaction to the spotting. I had to continue to "let go, let God".
So last night.....I wanted to rest and went to bed early. I was reading "The Gift" and there was a section called The Fog of a Broken Heart. It was talking about Jesus's night in the garden before he was betrayed. He knew what was coming.....
They went to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and Jesus said,
He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by.
Well this morning.....I am hearing my (our) Father's gentle, but firm......no.
I am losing this baby. I am crushed of course.......I am human.
I know I am a little hurt, confused and feeling a little bit betrayed. Not from God.....but my body. Like why can't I carry life past five or six weeks.
Jesus felt hurt, confused and betrayed.....obviously on a monumental larger scale......but this assures me that He knows what my heart is feeling right now.
I know I read that story for a reason last night......I needed to be reminded that God did give me a gift. It was different than the gift I wanted. It was a gift of bringing Josh closer to me.....and closer to Him. And for that........I am so thankful.
I won't say that the next few days are gonna be easy.....but I still feel the gift of peace, strength and trust that God is right beside me all the way.