- I love the clematis plant.
- I have spent hundreds of dollars on them over the past 10+ years and not one has even "took" in my garden.
- I gave up.
- Last summer, we found a gorgeous clematis plant/vine growing in a path in my yard.....I could see it every morning from my bathroom window.
So yesterday I found myself arranging a pity party for myself......table for one please. I am going to be honest and open, as this is my blog and if you have been popping in my world on a regular basis.......you know that I keep it real.
So let's just say that I thought I had a good chance of getting pregnant this month. Josh and I are certainly not in hard core "trying to conceive" mode......but we are leaving this up to God and seeing if He thinks adding one more blessing to our family would be fun. Most people would call me crazy, but as I mentioned before.....I'd be thrilled to be doing drivers ed and diapers at the same time. I get comments all the time about my age and blah blah blah (after a while, it sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown, yk?)......but according to my doc (who knows me inside and out, literally) and some testing she has done.....there is no reason I couldn't/shouldn't have another. She tells me that if anyone could handle a baby in their early 40s, it would be me. So after our recent loss in January......Josh and I decided to keep this issue in God's hands and see what He has planned for us. We trust fully in Him with our finances, our family, our health......our whole LIFE. period.
So without divulging TMI......let's just say we go with the flow every month. We tried "planning" and that was just wrong. Too much pressure.....too much structure. I am a free spirit, I avoid calendars and rigorous schedules as much as possible. So that didn't work for us. We actually laughed out loud after one night when we both "confessed" that it was the worst experience ever.
So, this month.....everything was timed pretty good, the planets were all lined up perfect.
I know all the odds, I know the factors involved.....I know the risks with having babies at an older age (*insert Charlie Brown's teacher again)
I know all the inspiration, I know all of my blessings, I know I need to trust God's will, which I totally do......(doesn't mean I have to agree with it, LOL)
I just was let down and wanted to have some normal human feelings and be discouraged. I didn't want to count my blessings, I just wanted to stomp my feet for a bit. You know.......get it out of my system. I have had my share of losses over the past few years and I just wanted to be "pissy" if you will. I have been yearning to be pregnant for the past couple of years and now that Josh
I decided that I was going to allow myself a pity party for a few hours and then be done with it. And I did.
When I am discouraged and down.....I clean and organize. So if you came to visit me......you will see that I don't get discouraged and down often. HA! I get like Martha Stewart on steroids. I start feverishly scurrying from one clutter pile to another like a mad lady, sifting and sorting through random items. The funny thing, is that I end up basically making new, more organized clutter piles because my ADD kicks in and I get overwhelmed.
Anyway......God has a funny way of being a total "buzzkill" on these pity parties.
I was organizing the bread box on top of the fridge and found a forgotten bag of what I think were English muffins. There was enough mold in this bag to make a batch of penicillin for a third world country. I went to toss it when this business card came flying out from under it. It was from our last order of Angel Food Ministries. (not sure if you know about this organization, but it is great).
The card simply had the Angel Food logo and the Scripture Isaiah 40:31 which reads:
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
the word "wait" appeared to be in bold at first, but when I read it again......it was the same font style. God likes to tweak with our vision too.
At that moment......I felt a new sense of hope come over me. I felt like God was reminding me that He has it all under control....and knew I needed a little boost.
I started to cry as I instantly felt remorse for my selfishness. I asked God to forgive me for sounding and acting unappreciative of the blessings He has, and continues to, bring in my life. I felt like I was acting like a spoiled brat. I felt so ashamed.
We serve such a amazing God. He is so full of grace, comfort and love.....
As I went to my bathroom to wipe the boogers.....I happened to glance out my window and this caught my eye:
Not only does this show God's faithfulness.....but it also represents something else to me. As you can see, that clematis plant is growing in a huge patch of poison ivy.
Proving again to me, that God can bring beauty in ugly painful places.
So I'll leave you with a close up of this gorgeous flower......how blessed we are that God is the Ultimate Artist who shares His works with us. He cares enough about us (even when we don't deserve it) to give us beautiful creations to enjoy and used His brush and pallet of infinite colors to paint the world......for us! If you really think about it, He could have just given us (humans) a boring black & white world.
He doesn't owe us anything........we owe Him everything.
Have a wonderful weekend.....
peace, love and stay barefoot~