Stubborn or Determined.....Hopeless or Hopeful?

*please note that God has interrupted this posting...
or at least I think it is Him*

So no creative way to open up this discussion.......so you know me.......I am just gonna throw it out here and ask for your advice, prayers, and whatever else you feel on your heart to share with me. And if you are a guy and talking about girlie cycle stuff makes you uncomfortable or if you get easily offended by TMI (too much information)....you might want to skip this.

Here is the dealio.

Just the facts ma'am:

It's no shocking news or secret that I would love to add another baby to our family.

We've talked about adoption, but usually that is in reference to when our children are a little older.

We have been "going with the flow" for the past two to three years "trying but not trying".......really kinda sorta "trying" the past year. Biological clock sounds like Big Ben.

Have conceived about 6-7 times in the past 2.5 years.....never made it past the 6 week mark.

All my bloodwork/initial testing shows that I am still in "good/decent fertility" zone as far as cycles, ovarian reserve, I am still ovulating regularly, etc. even at my age....which is 43. (YIKES!! when did *that* happen??!?!?) She explained that of course my age does play a factor as well as egg quality, sperm quality, uterine quality blah blah blah..... but also that 15% of infertility/losses/etc are unexplained.

We have never gone on to further testing as we have no infertility coverage.

We have given this up to God these past few years and know that it is His will. He does not care about age-related statistics and is completely capable of creating life whenever and with who's ever womb, ykwim?

Even after almost 20 years, Josh and I have a very healthy relationship (if you get my drift) and it is only getting better. Reason I am sharing that lovely information, is to confirm that we def. cover all fertile days....and then some. So yeah, after all these years of charting, temping, planning.....I know my body, I know the signs and I know when it's good baby making times.

With that said....I spoke to my doc about the possibility of getting a little boost/help. She suggested I might try Clomid and also sent me for another bit of testing this weekend. So I'll find out later today if I still have a few eggs to salvage or that they are all pretty much rotten at this point. Ya gotta know I will always add some humor.....that's how I roll. I tell Josh his sperm are swimming in circles dazed and confused.....he tells me I have dried up rotten eggs.

The struggle I find myself is this.....am I being stubborn/stupid by hanging on to what, I believe, is something that God has placed on my heart all these years? When is enough enough? When should I "let it go" and move on? Some friends have said that maybe the losses are God's way of telling me it's time to let go, it is not "working". But then I wonder, why would I conceive in the first place only to have to say good-bye so quickly? I know/believe that one reason God allows these things to happen is so that I can have compassion for others who are going through the same struggles....but OK God, I got that after loss #1 and #2.

Am I just one of those hopeless people who just lives in my own faith-filled bubble? No, I don't think I believe that anyone who puts their faith into Jesus Christ could ever have 'hopeless' as an adjective.....He is hope.

Is considering "help" taking it away from leaving God in control? Ack....I am so confused. I know ultimately God is The One who creates life...and I believe that God has His hand on every life that is conceived whether it was planned, not planned, prayed for, etc. Some couples go with fertility treatments and conceive.....others go through painful years and never do. Others conceive and then are faced with tragic losses......ultimately God is in control from the beginning to the end. He is the Author of all life.

If anyone is familiar with infertility, I would love your opinion. I have read that Clomid can actually not work with women over 40 due to the thinning of the uterine lining which naturally occurs as you age (preventing proper implantation which actually looks like it might be the case with me) so the Clomid might present more of a roadblock. Our problem isn't conceiving.....it's the "sticking" part. But then, why would my doc suggest to try it? You see? Conflicting!

Edited to add: I also feel the need to add that this is not at the level of consuming me like it did a year or so ago...with each month passing, it is easier to accept and I know that it's only by digging deep with God and His grace. I used to get devastated and angry...now it's more of just a twang of disappointment and moves me to dive deeper in prayer of thanksgiving for what I do have, rather than what I don't.

*******STOP THE PRESS********

OK if don't already think I am whacked out with my farm stories and God being involved in everything.....

But God just decided to interrupt my blogging/thoughts and you tell me if He is telling me something or please send a straitjacket in size medium.

This is just bizarre, insane and awesome.

OK, so we have an older chicken named Wanda. (we have her husband Cosmo too......if you have kids who watch Nickalodeon..... you know: Fairly Oddparents) Wanda never laid good eggs.....can you see where this is going? Her eggs always had a soft shell and eventually she stopped laying. She also is getting pretty ragged in her old age, God bless her. Most people would just toss her in a stew pot, but that is something I could never bring myself to do.

Anyway.....a few weeks ago she started to get all midlife crazy on us and started to sit on a few of the other chickens eggs. She has been sitting on them, all by herself in the chicken coop. She would not get off of them day after day and would get her feathers in a ruffle...literally.....when we tried to go near those eggs. So.....feeling her pain to have her own healthy eggs.....we decided to let her just get broody on a small amount of eggs and try to hatch them. Kinda like a surrogate chicken mama. We had no clue if they were even fertilized.

Josh told me we should just take the eggs out from underneath her before they get all smelly/rotten....but I told him that she probably just needs to feel she has a purpose and is so happy and content sitting on them, so just leave her. I am sure all the younger chickens mocked her (yeah, I am weird thinking about barnyard chattering). But this little chicken had this faith filled way about her and no-one was going to take that away from her on my farm!

S0 she has been on them.....ever so patiently and faithfully. We have been needing to bring her water and food as she would not get off them for anything. I too, started to wonder if she was just sitting on duds as we have had chickens do this before when there was no possible way of the eggs being fertile.

Guess what Josh and N just brought in...

We named this little fluffy guy, Poof. (again........Fairly Oddparents!)

So am I just a smidge away from clinically insane when I take this as a little heartwarming message from God? Am I turning into that crazy farm lady? Should I be brought to the Funny Farm? Good Lord, help me!

oh, and one last thing......As E was going to get our little baby chick habitat up and running with the heat lamp, he says "you know....we have had so much better luck with baby chicks being born naturally than with that artificial incubator". GULP.


anxiously waiting to hear your thoughts (or suggestions for a good reality check medication). You can be brutally honest.....I can take it.

*~Michelle~*