Growing Pains

So a couple of days ago I had my "AHHHHHHH" moment of peace and comfort. And now I am experiencing that "AH-HAHHHHHHHHHHHH" kinda moment of discovery/enlightenment.

As I continue to try to dig deeper in my Walk........I have been setting aside my "first" moments in the early morning to read. And as I've told you all before......I am not a "good" reader. But if I find something that hooks me from the beginning.....I can stay focused enough to dive in. And my desire to know God more is what helps me to do so.

(I just finished Plan B by Pete Wilson which was AWESOME, btw!)

Anyway.... a while ago.....I found myself in the WOW factor awe mode.....and now I find myself in a new, somewhat uncomfortable place.

So I will keep it raw and honest here.........as I try to do always.

I guess I never really really really got "Christ died for our sins" the way it has been being brought to Light recently. Of course, I know what it says on the surface.......but something clicked in my head (and pierced my heart) when it was revealed to me this way:

We all have moments in our life that we are not proud of. Some more than others (shamefully raising my hand). So think about some of the events in your life that really make you cringe when you look back...some of those dishonorable events that although you might have already asked and received forgiveness (or possibly have not), they still are not moments that you like to re-live or remember. Now picture them being video-taped YouTube-style and broadcasted for all the world to see. How about posting it on your blog or Facebook for all your friends and family?

Think about the shame it would bring.
Think about the guilt.
Think about the conviction.
Think about the disgrace.

Now think about how Jesus bore the collective shame of all of us. That is how Jesus felt when He hung on that Cross.

Between his hand and the wood there was a list. A long list. A list of our mistakes: our lusts and lies and greedy moments and prodigal years. A list of our sins.
{Max Lucado~He Chose The Nails}

ouch.

Of course I "got it" for the most part up until this point......but I didn't "get it" the way I now do. When it fell on me like a load of bricks, I actually started to feel my heart race......I felt uncomfortable with those thoughts and the images in my head.

Now many of you will say.......duh, Michelle......of course this is what it meant. But again.....I will always keep it real. I never claim to know it all....or have it all together. Quite opposite, actually. I am learning day by day.....growing.

And I am experiencing growing pains with this one.

Groundhog Day

So last night I am tossing and turning with another wonderful bout of insomnia. One of the many things pinballin' around in my head is that I needed to print out a quick lesson plan for Groundhog Day for today and work it into our homeschooling schedule.

Then I thought about how funny it really is that we have such a "holiday" (yes, Wikipedia calls it a holiday). What is even more funny to me is not only the massive celebration held in Punxsutawney, PA in honor of this little rodent, Puxnsutawney Phil.....(or is Phil a mammal?) but there are travel agencies who will plan your whole trip to Gobbler's Knob for the festivities. I mean we are talking thousands and thousands of people waking up at some horrific hour to watch a bunch of men dressed up in historical clothing to shove this furry critter through some fake burrow. And as you know.....if Phil sees his shadow, legend has it that we can expect six more weeks of winter weather. No shadow indicates an early spring.

Think about shadows for a minute......shadows are often used in a negative sense, such as creepy shadows in a spooky setting. Usually you see the shadow of the ax murderer right before he leaps around the corner. There was an old time mystery radio show in the 30s (No! I was not born yet.....) where the eerie narrator's opening line was.... "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!"

Even in the Bible, the shadow is referred to a dark place/state of being....Job says "...before I go to the place of no return, to the land of gloom and deep shadow...(Job 10:21). David, along with Isaiah, Luke and Matthew talk of the shadow of death.

The shadow can also represent a dark past.....something that follows you around and can haunt you. And as you know.....you can not outrun your shadow. (Remember trying to do that as a kid?). Sometimes you can walk around in life and not acknowledge that it is there. But if someone or something causes you to look back due to fear, worry or guilt.......you see it is still there. The enemy is hanging around there too.....in fact, he is usually the one who reminds you of your past sin and all the junk back there. He enjoys it when you turn around and become filled with guilt, shame and sadness. It's kinda like that groundhog.....he sees (fears) his shadow and returns back to the world of darkness.

The Good News is that when we accept Jesus into our heart....He is *in* us. So when we keep our eyes/attention forward to God, His great Light casts a shadow on Jesus (because He dwells within us)......and there is no junk in that shadow. Accepting Him as our Savior washes away our sin.....there is no trail left behind. His Blood.....that of an innocent Lamb......was shed on the Cross to cleanse us and set us free.

How awesome is that?

I pray today you remember that God wants us live a joyful life......free from any creepy shadows that try to lurk back into our life. He does not want us to stay in hibernation mode, living in fear or feeling captive by guilt. No, He has great plans for us.....but we need to pop our heads up, face the beautiful day and get His work done!

(*insert pep rally cheers here*.....Hey, if a little critter can get a crowd of thousands going.....I hope this Good News can!)


So if you are reading this, I am assuming you are not amidst the festivities of Puxnsutawney (have you figured out how to pronounce it yet? I haven't). But don't despair my friends, you can always head on over to one of the many souvenir shops online and grab yourself a keepsake. Seeing as though we probably have at least six more weeks of this brutal winter weather.....I think I am gonna grab a pair of these.

Oh, and lastly......I have two more things to add as I wrap things up.

I was just informed by my kids......Puxnsutawney Phil *HAS* seen his shadow......so six more weeks of winter it is....

......and Phil is a rodent, which *is* a mammal.

xox
*~Michelle~*

Going "green" isn't always a good thing.

I have been struggling with a case of envy for the past week or so..... and then my friend Jen blogged about how that Little Green monster was creeping into her heart as well. I took her message as God poking at me and working on my heart that I had my own to finally confront and deal with. You see, Jen is a wonderful mama who loves Jesus too. So, it was comforting and relieving to read her words and know that I wasn't this horrible bitter person for having the same feelings. (BTW, she has a great sense of humor and a warm heart. Pop on over in her world to say "hi").

So yeah, in a warped way, it's refreshing to read about others struggle with sin. Because the truth is.......we all battle sin.

everyday.

We know that God doesn't take a day off doing His awesome works.........well, either does the enemy.

OK, so here it goes.....I am going to be pretty transparent here. I can display a smorgasbord of sin in one day. Just take a day where I've had a lack of sleep and a foul case of PMS and it can get ugly. This past week or so.......I had a double triple helping of envy. I also made sure I plopped a scoop of resentment on my plate........and oh, can you pass the strife too?

I had money envy
I had farm envy
I had baby envy
heck, I even had blog envy.

This is probably how I appeared to God. Veruca Salt from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.

"I want it Daddy! I want it all!" *shudder*

I got into that place of sin where it binds you. It frustrates you. It steals your joy and peace.

Envy can be truly destructive.....we have the Bible to give us great examples of that. Just take Cain and Abel. eek! Or Joseph's brothers....or Saul being so jealous of David. It all started with desiring their own selfish gain, taking other people's success personally, and/or yearning for a higher position/rank in life.

Now we all are guilty of even a mild case of envy at one time or another. The common worldly phrase "keeping up with the Joneses" confirms that. Envy really just starts with our own desires and desires are part of our heart. We can want things in our life such as a nicer home or a little more security in finances. There is nothing wrong with having these yearnings as long as we realize that they do not bestow value on our lives. What we have does not make us who we are.

And like a magnet, envy can and will attract more sin and unhappiness. It brought me to open the doors of gossip and complaining, yet two more things that disappoint My Father. I was being a spoiled brat who, by being envious/jealous.......wasn't appreciating all the great blessings that God has placed on my life. I was focusing my energy on what I didn't have instead of all the amazing gifts I did have.

So today, I am choosing to be vulnerable and honest. Envy is often secretive and I am taking my first step to defeat it by admitting and bringing this to God (and now to whoever is reading this).

Thankfully we serve an amazing God who is full of grace and forgiveness. Through His Perfect Love, we can cover envy. By loving others, we can be sincerely happy that they are blessed, rather than wanting what they have.

I want to be motivated to do hard work so that it pleases God and helps others, not just for my own personal gain.

I don't want to keep up with The Joneses. Ecclesiastes 4:4 says: "And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind."

So God.....I am ashamed, but bringing this to You. Please remove this ugly envy from my heart......replace it with love, appreciation and pure joy. I know and trust that You, and only You, will always supply all my needs. I desire to swap out the "I want's" with more "thank you's" from today forward. Please work on me in this area.....

In Jesus Name~
Amen


I hope you are having with a beautiful weekend....filled with fun, family and friends. I hope you take the time to look around and appreciate all that you have. Take two minutes and let me know what you are thankful for today (a great way to drive out thoughts of what you don't have).....and I promise I'll be happy to hear how God is blessing you.

(unless you tell me that you just found out you are having twins when you weren't even trying, found a savings account with 20 grand in it and are off to work on your 200 acre farm.... then blog about it to your 384563 subscribers.......)

*kidding!!....well.....kinda. ;)

keepin it real~
*~Michelle~*

Got guilt?

So this past Sunday, I committed to going to a friend's daughter's baby shower. As much as I love babies and everything about them.....I will be completely honest and tell you that I am not a shower fan....at all. I know that sounds selfish, as I have been blessed with baby showers myself......but again, this is my blog and I being honest/open. I think it's because I just am too ADD to sit still for two hours watching someone open presents.

But this was a good friend's daughter and it was important for me to go. So I originally planned on going to the earlier church service at 9AM so that I would be able to make it. Well....sleeping with the fan in the window blowing in 7 pounds of pollen kept me from getting anything close to a good night's sleep. I also couldn't understand how my head was so heavy with congestion, yet my nose was draining out gallons of clear goop. (sorry for the visual) I mean, how much liquid can the human head hold?

Anyway.....I never made it out the door for the earlier service. I couldn't get my act together in time. But I sooooooooo needed to get my praise and worship on too. Not sure about you.....but I have some of my best "convos" with The Big Guy during praise and worship. He speaks to me over my totally off key tone-deaf singing. He still manages to get close to me even when my arms might be waving all around or I am doing some funky dance steps, completely oblivious to everyone around me (or their feet that I trample on)

I decided we would just take separate vehicles to church, attend the 11AM service with everyone and leave early with N to get to the shower around noon-ish.

As expected, I had yet another amazing experience during worship. Pretty sure the angels were joining in the praise, in a much more pleasant key than me. I got stuck on this one line of a song......"We don't want blessings......we want You!" I've sung that song many times, but for some reason this line got placed in my heart. (this has nothing to do with this post....just thought it was such a powerful phrase and it might stick on your heart too.....ok......carry on)

So after praise/worship, they did the offering and it was time for me to go. I felt very guilty leaving......but I made the commitment to my friend and it was the "right" thing to do. (or was it?)

I wrestled with this guilt all the way to the hall where the shower was held. When I walked in, my friend's face lit up. She came running over to me and gave me one of the most sincere hugs I've had in a long time. I will keep the situation with her daughter's pregnancy private, but let's just say that my friend really needed to know she had the support of her friends right now.

It was then that I think that it *was* the right thing to do. Not only did I need to put my own selfish needs aside......but I also needed to banish the guilt that can be placed on the "religious" mindset I was raised with.

Yes, it is super important to be part of The Body of Christ in life.
Yes, I need to be fed/taught weekly daily with The Word.

but I also know that The Bible tells me this in Romans 3:28

For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law.

So now what?

I am praying that God knew my heart and that I am trying to live my life the best way to please Him. Trying to figure out if Jesus would have stayed in His Father's house or would have skipped out early and went to Mary Magdalene's sister's baby shower to support her and let her know she is loved. (that is, however, if they even did baby showers back in The Day and if men were "allowed" of course)

I know I come from a background where the mindset is that you can earn your way into heaven. I am ever so grateful to know that I've learned that it is the wrong way of thinking/believing. You can't earn your way in. Even on our best days, we will never be "good" enough to get in on our own merit.

And how ironic that I passed an old Baptist church on the way home with this sign outside?

Good without God is Zero

Romans 11:6 tells us

And since it is through God’s kindness, then it is not by their good works. For in that case, God’s grace would not be what it really is—free and undeserved.

How refreshing it is to know that we serve a God who is not keeping score.....He does not have a checklist with my name on it to see how many times I made it to church or double check I put in X amount of hours at the local community center. He loves me just as He found me......a sinner saved only by His grace.



WOW....this post is all over the place, huh?

(welcome to my brain world, every.day.every.minute)

I know I don't articulate my thoughts as well as many well versed bloggers out there.....but I write from my heart. Sometimes I know I go off on tangents and get completely off topic. My grammar is incorrect more than correct.....and thank goodness for spellcheck. My blog is my outlet to pour out what God places on my heart. So if you can follow along without getting completely lost and get a little message out of it....it will be a blessing to me and you.

So let me wrap this up with a prayer....

God.....Thank you for sending Your only Son for us. He died for us and shed His blood for our sins. He rose and conquered death. All so that we can live eternally. I know that having faith in Jesus Christ and accepting Him as our Savior is the ONLY door into Heaven. So I will pray that everyday....I am keeping my eyes and heart set on You. Know that I am making choices that I hope are pleasing to You. I will release myself from the pressure of relying on myself and my actions to "prove" I am worthy. I will rest in knowing that it is because of Your grace that I am still Your Child.....and You still love me, even though I skipped out early from church.

xox
*~Michelle~*