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A bitter pill to swallow

If you've been popping in my world for say.....more than a couple times.....you know that I pretty much let you all in on what is going on in my heart. Occasionally I'll give you a glimpse of what is bouncing around in my head, but that is a scary place. It is a place where you would surely get lost as I have a hard time focusing on one thought. For example, last night I caught the first few minutes of Three Rivers and it totally confirmed my thoughts on those creaky carnival rides (one of those spinning puke machines broke off and flew off crashing to the ground). Of course I turned the channel because I knew I would have nightmares of clowns. Because carnival thoughts went to circus thoughts (which I also do not like....not a fan of animal cruelty, as you can imagine)....then to creepy clowns, which terrifies me, along with ventriloquist dummies and old fashion china dolls.

See? Aren't you glad I am taking you into my heart instead?

But for this trip, you might need to pack some extra tools because I have this wall around it that needs tearing down. Yes, I am having one of my not so finer moments in my walk of Christ and am having a struggle with bitterness and unforgiveness.

And it s*cks. "scuse my language, but it does.

(trying to talk myself into thinking the asterisk takes a little edge off of it)

I won't bore you with the details of who, what, why and all that.....but I will tell you that it didn't stop with just one person or one incident. And I'll let you in on an ugly truth. I can hold a mean grudge at times. I am not proud of it, but I am being real.

So, it started Friday night with a spat with one of my sons who was displaying a perfect example of this "Generation Entitlement" and it spiraled downward. It was like the spiral turned into a tornado and anyone who was not a safe distance from me, got sucked into my twister of bitterness. Saturday morning, I woke up with that same ugly chip on my shoulder and no one was safe from my wrath. I thought I would be able to start a new day with a new brighter outlook, but bitterness had it's foot jammed in the doorway of my heart and I was unable to push it out.

In the Bible it is known that being bitter destroys. The phrase, "the bitter water that brings a curse" for example is found quite a few times.

And I did have a curse on me. All it would take is someone looking at me with a crooked eye and I instantly started formulating a list in my head of all that person did in the past to "wrong" me. It was like I felt more empowered building that list as if each entry was more ammunition to use. I even practice the fury that I would be unleashing on them, when the time was just right. I had it all planned out and it festered within me, causing more anger to boil through my veins.

I am pretty sure I appeared as ugly on the outside as I was in the inside. I was walking around with a permanent scorn on my face (causing hideous wrinkles and frown lines prematurely I am sure)......I was tense and snappy, wound up like a top ready to spin out of control.

I was frustrated. I was stewing. I started reliving past hurts and found a bizarre sense of comfort settling into this state of resentment. I was destroying myself from the inside out. I was exhausted physically as well as emotionally.

Due to my pissy pants mood.....I found myself wanting to be alone to sulk and pout. So I ran random errands throughout the day. I jumped into Josh's truck to buy some hay and feed. I had the Third Day CD in and had it cranked....probably one step below blowing out speakers level, because we all know that when you are frustrated/angry.....loud music is needed. Of course the lyrics brought me to tears as I felt God trying to warm my cold angry heart. I actually pulled over at one point and just sobbed for a few minutes. It was like holding all that negative emotion was pumping negative energy into my internal boiler that needed to be cracked open to release some steam. I felt temporary relief and headed back home....but the anger and resentment started resurfacing. It was as if I felt validated staying upset in some warped way.

*a little side note from my ADD brain.....but something that just dawned on me. Do you see a correlation here being angry and common references such as blowing off steam, fuming, fiery, boiling, combustion, all referring to extreme heat as in that really HOT PLACE......otherwise known as H-E-double hockey sticks? Hmmmm.

So, today.......I wake up this morning feeling so empty and drained. What good did it do to stay angry all weekend? Nothing. In fact, it robbed me of 48 hours that I will never get back. I was totally ripped off. But it was no-one's fault but my own. I take full responsibility.....instead of looking Up, I was looking inward. I was feeding my own desire to take control. I felt wronged and wanted justice. I had no control over how others treated me, but I did have control of my emotions and felt like I wanted to call the shots, even if it was the power of staying angry. I gave the enemy a written invitation to my heart. And that is what the enemy is.......a total rip-off. He is a thief who only has one mission. To rob and destroy. Mission accomplished.

I think it is Paul who wrote to the Ephesians (I told you I am not great at knowing all the details).....but I do know what he is trying to teach us (me) especially in Chapter 4

".........Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace......

........In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.....

and here is where Paul brings it ALL HOME:

.....Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

wow.....that feels like a punch in the gut right now.

Imagine if God kept a list of all the screw ups I did tucked in His back pocket to use as ammunition? I don't think His robe would be able to fit a scroll that long.

No, God is quite the opposite....He tosses our sins in the Sea of Forgetfulness. (Micah 7:19) Although my sins are like scarlet, He turns them white as snow. (Isaiah 1:18) He puts all my sins behind His back. (Isaiah 38:17)

So today, I want to purge my heart of unforgiveness. Ironically, I am praying that God forgives me for not forgiving others. I pray that the "curse of bitterness" is broken off of me and I can begin this week with a new heart, a heart that God commands me to have. He commands me to have this heart because He knows the freedom it will bring me. He knows it will release me from the burden and the junk I am carrying around.

So there you have it.....I give you the good, the bad and the ugly with my blog. Today, this surely is the latter two.

Peace and love~
*~Michelle~*

23 comments:

Denise said...

Sweetie, bathe in Gods love today, He will clean the weekend mess off of you in no time.

Andrea said...

Soak in HIS word and presence, today! Boy am I thankful HE doesn't keep a list of my screw ups! I am not sure there is a book big enough.
Blessings, andrea

PS: Thanks for always being transparent and honest!

Loren said...

Michelle,

Friend, we all have our moments like these and Praise the Lord for his Grace and Mercy that we soooo do not deserve. I am wrapping my arms around you with a big hug today and I would say.....whatever this person did, said, or however they reacted to cause this course of events ask yourself.....
Holy Spirit what are you trying to teach me about me. What am I holding onto that I need to release, forgive. I know for me, when my buttons are pushed like this I have learned the Holy Spirit is trying to help me and teach me a lesson that I need to learn or to change in my own life. and that the person who "set me off" has been strategically place there so I can do just that ~ they are my grace grower.....By my (our) Father who LOVES US SO MUCH that HE doesn't want us to stay this way
I hope this doesn't make you mad....I promise that is NOT my intent.....I am just sharing what I have learned from the Lord time after time when this happens to me and trust me ~ it's quite ALOT! :)
This is from one sister in Christ to another ~ I had bitterness and resentment and the Lord is teaching me through situations just like the one you have described how I can release my judgements, vows, bitterness by looking within when my buttons are pushed and listening to what the Lord is saying

Bless you my friend......

~*Michelle*~ said...

Thanks so much everyone!

@Loren I would never be mad at you or upset.....I thank you for your words of hope and encouragement. I always say that God doesn't waste any opportunity/event and here I am not recognizing exactly this. See!?!? I am/was stuck in "all about me" mode....thank you for pulling me out and allowing me to see it how it really is! Thanks for the reminder that God doesn't want to stay in this pit!

xox
*~Michelle~*

Bina @ Bina's Pad said...

Aw, Michelle! I have been there...more times than I would care to admit.

As His Daughter, you are worth so more and He will show you the reality of His love as you turn back to face Him. Like the great Daddy that He is, His arms will scoop you up and hold you tight. I pray that His embrace catches you up even now!

Joshua said...

Well while that same son of a gun was busy robbing you of your joy and happiness, he got me too!
I was so peeved off, my favorite chicken was torn apart and still alive so I had to put him outta his misery and I felt the evil cloak of darkness over me all weekend. Don't feel too bad hon, he was in G's head, H's head, he stayed there all weekend b/c he was invited I guess?
Well, it's a new day today, I love you and we always have to remember, that we feed off each other, you got it from me, I got it from you, no matter though, it is gone today and let's keep it that way.
Love you always- J

Sheryl said...

love honesty. love raw emotion. thanks for sharing your heart. you may call it ugly but i think it's a beautiful thing when you trust others with what's really going on.

boy, have i been there...in that place of nursing bitterness.

Genny said...

Found you through Shannon's site. I love your honesty and I hope you are feeling better soon! I think we've all been where you are at at some point. And even though you might not think so, this post was encouraging. So glad I stopped by.

S. Etole said...

Way back when there was a saying going around to the affect that "Never hold a grudge ... they shed!" Of course there was the cute little animal being carried on someone's shoulder to visualize the point. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to let go of the bitterness before it sheds on others.

Deborah Ann said...

I have this note taped to my computer:

"You will keep your friends if you forgive them, you will lose your friends if you keep talking and thinking about what they did wrong."

And this one:

"Those who point fingers are not on God's side."

These notes were here since the last time I screwed up...and the time before that, and the time before that. It was first yesterday that I finally remembered to read the notes before I went off on another tangent. AND I DID IT! I was able to keep my mouth shut, and thereby keep my friend.

Make some notes fer yerself...

christy rose said...

Michelle, It sounds like God has waited patiently for you to stop and look to Him and then He showed you the greatness of His character in Christ. And, as we accept His response toward us in our sin, it empowers us to respond toward others the same way. We change, not them! We become more like Him! And then we begin to enjoy each day that is given to us, never allowing the enemy to steal even one minute of our lives again. All Because of Jesus!!!!
:)

Sassy Granny ... said...

Looks like you're in good company (count me in that company)! I doubt there's anyone among us that doesn't have a day (or week, or year) that's un-pretty. The thing that makes it all so manageable is a listening ear and a warm encouragement - not to mention a Savior that absolutely treasures the honest heart.

Blessings,
Kathleen

Beth E. said...

Oh, I am sooo thankful that God doesn't keep a scorecard on me!

Praying that this week will be much better than your weekend.

I believe we all deal with these issues of unforgiveness and bitterness at some point in our lives. Praying for victory for you in this situation!

Kendra Lee said...

Uh - yeah. I can relate... We're in the midst of a (spiritual) battle and it hit a peak of frustration this weekend... My daughter asked me, "Mom, are you frustrated with XYZ?" I said, "Oh yes, in fact I feel like punching the wall..." (Great role model, I know... ) She then proceeded to tell me, "Mom. I think you need to go and read your Bible." HA! They even know how Mom gets 'better.'
Yeah, bummer that we don't get that time back, but purty darn sweet that He'll meet us where we are and melt our stone cold hearts.
Thanks for this post. I appreciate your honesty :)

Just Be Real said...

((((Michele))))
Here listening to you dear one.
You are an encouragement to me!!

sherri said...

Sounds like your "ugly" has turned into something beautiful!

Alicia said...

Oh, Michelle...you are not alone my friend.

Theta Mom said...

You are not alone! (((HUGS)))

cindyhan111 said...

Paul goes on to say in Ephesians how this is all taking steps to spiritual maturity. Nice!

I am so glad to read your posts!!

wife.mom.nurse said...

Sweet, sweet friend,

We all have our weak points. In some ways that helps us even more to understand the righteousness of God. It makes us realize how much we fall short and therefore NEED Jesus desperately.

If we though we were "all that" or were actually "all that" would we fall to our knees before our Lord.

I share some of these traits... I get it.

Thanks for sharing, the "not so pretty moments we all have and for sharing what God has taught you.

~Julie

Mich said...

You were drinking my koolaid today, friend. I did a little pouting today too.

I'm so glad the Lord as ALOT of patience as HE waits for me to grow up!

Great post...something I needed to read.

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

I'm showing up late, but I hope that today you're feeling God's peace cover you. I send my love.

amanda said...

nothing like third day to make you have a good cry! it's probably because i just told you how good your boys are and how respectful blah blah blah. sorry. it's my fault. ;0) praying it's all better now!! thanks for being there for me always. just thought i should tell you that. :0) it's so hard to keep in!

 

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