Just once more......

I would love another baby......there, I said it.

It's my blog and I can be as honest as I want. It's not something that I dwell on everyday, but I have had been thinking about it more lately, so I wanted to get it out, here.....I don't have to worry about the raised eyebrows, the shaking of heads, the negative comments and discouraging words I face when I say it to the world or anyone who wants to listen to me. This blog is my safe haven because I can't see or hear anything other than what is in my heart. I know there are a million reasons why I shouldn't feel the way I do, but I do.

First off, I know that I am blessed with four beautiful, healthy children already....I feel a bit selfish as many have no children, long to have just one child or their children have gone home to Jesus.

I know that we really are already tapped for time, finances, space in our home..... and everything else that goes with raising a family.
I know, and have no problem saying, that I am 42 (even though I am not sure what "42" is supposed to feel like, I still feel like I am in my 20s).....but well into the "advanced maternal age", stage where my eggs are probably all rotten, lol.... so medically speaking......I know that there is only a 2.5% chance for me......but I also know God doesn't deal with statistics ;)
and yes, I know that I have had my share of early pregnancy losses these past few years and should just accept that this will probably never happen.

oh,....and I know that I would doing diapers (cloth of course, lol) and Driver's Ed. at the same time....

.........but I also know that I'd like to be pregnant just once more. If it is God's will, I would love to add another blessing to our family. I know that it all doesn't end with just being pregnant and birthing a child.....it continues with sleepless nights, worries, stress, sacrifice......but I know I would welcome it all, along with the joy that each child brings into your life.....and ultimately, enjoy the gift that they truly are from God. I just love being a mom......it's what I do best. Of course I am human and have days where I need "Michelle" time....but a quick trip to Target alone for a half hour of mindless browsing is all it takes, and I usually end up picking up something for one of the kids and can't wait to come home to show them.

I know that having a baby takes more time from the little bit that Josh and I have together and that weighs heavily on my heart, as he is my "bestest" friend in the whole world. He holds the weight of the world on his shoulders, being the sole provider and head of our household....but he is also is the most amazing dad in the world and we always find a way to keep it together and make it work. He is a hard working, faithful man.....he puts everyone first.

So I keep this little prayer/hope tucked inside my heart for the most part......and when I find myself getting wrapped up in the "I wants".....I am getting better at reminding myself of what "I have already" and never taking that for granted. I know and trust that God provides all that we need and if this is meant to be, it will be......and if it is not, I am still ever so thankful for all that He has given me in my life. I also pray that if carrying another child is not what He has planned, then to reveal to me why I have this desire in my heart. I know I have been open to the idea of adoption someday......I also know that a trip to visit Africa's children is on my "bucket list". So I continue to ask God for guidance on what He wants me to do.....or where He wants to bring me.

I have had this piece stashed away in my drawer....I read it from time to time....I don't know who wrote it, but whoever did...really captured some emotion.

I'd like to be pregnant just once more.
I'd like to see a plus sign on a pregnancy test and do a dance of joy on the bathroom floor.
I'd like to tell my husband, "We did it," and see the joy on his face.

I'd like to walk with my secret in those early months,
a proud grin on my mouth,
inexplicable to those who do not know.
I'd like to take prenatal vitamins every day.
Just once more,
I'd like to feel my clothes grow tighter and let that make me smile.
I'd like to tell my daughter there's a tiny baby in my tummy,
a brother or a sister for us to love.
I'd like to see her eyes grow wide and her heart full with happiness that I know will turn to envy.
I'd like to worry about how she will adjust to her mommy caring for another child.

Just once more, I'd like to feel this family grow.
Just once more, I'd like to watch my body swell.
I'd like to look at myself in the mirror and rub cocoa butter on my hips and my breasts.
I'd like to take warm naps when the sleepiness comes.
I'd like to take loving care of myself.
Just once more, I'd like to make passersby smile at my enormous middle,
and cause strangers to open doors and carry groceries for me.
I'd like to feel the envy of the women in my life, those who will give advice and remember,
for a moment, what it feels like to carry life inside of you.

Just once more, I'd like to wear that womanly sacredness.
Just once more, I'd like to feel the movement inside me,
and try to guess which body part is pressing on my ribs.
I'd like to feel the gentle nudge of a baby's hiccups in my guts.
I'd like to take my daughter's hand, and place it precisely on my skin, where it ripples and undulates.
I'd like to peer over my stomach to find my toes, and watch my belly button turn inside out.

Just once more, I'd like someone to be a part of me walking.
Just once more, I'd like to go to sleep at night, too big to be comfortable.
I'd like to wonder if I will sleep through the night, or if labor will come before tomorrow.
I'd like to feel the first contraction and get out the stopwatch.
Just once more, I'd like to ride the waves of contractions, howling.
I'd like to marvel at the strength of my body.
Just once more, I'd like to squeeze my husband's hands when it hurts,
and have them massage my back when it subsides.
I'd like to breathe those funny breaths and hum that strange, guttural tone.
Just once more I'd like to bring forth a child, slippery and wet from the depths of my body.
I'd like to feel God move through me.

Just once more, I would like to undress a newborn child and count the toes and fingers.
I would like to see my husband's eyes looking back at me from the face in my arms.
I'd like to look for birthmarks, and place my finger in a tiny powerful fist.
I'd like to turn names over in my mind,
listening to the sound of them with our family names,
and see if they match the new face in my arms.

So yeah, I said it....and I know I will get some flack, but that's OK. It's my blog and I'll dream if I want to.

xox