It's not like I have a major assignment with that multi-million dollar account due for the corporate office. Or that I am responsible for the state's budget and hold thousands of people's jobs in my hands.
It's just a bunch of things/responsibilities that seem to have crept up on me and WHAM.....they are on my back, in my face and poking at my ribs.
Some of these things could have been handled over the course of the summer.....and I take full responsibility for letting them slide. In my defense.....I feel that the few weeks we actually get of summer are better spent enjoying them as much as possible rather than keeping up with a "to-do" list.
Some of these things are time sensitive, others are not. Some come up sporadically, others I have had enough time to prepare.....but dropped the ball, admittedly so.
Another "in my defense" thing is that not only do I have all my kids' different schedules and
running around.....there are very few nights where we don't have 2-3 or more extra kids here. I often wake up to this scene.....finding bodies where ever they decide to crash.Most of the time it is my older boys' friends so that presents the issue of needing to grocery shop twice as much. Try having to keep up with the appetites of four 6'2" and up giants. I swear they all have tape worms. One afternoon they ripped through 1.5 gallons of milk, two boxes of cereal, a loaf of bread, a pound of turkey, 1/2 pound of deli cheese, two bags of chips, 2 loaves of zucchini bread and a half case of spring water. I won't even tell you what we spent at the local pizza place for dinner. Let's just say that their jobs are secure for at least the rest of the month.With that said.....I am completely blessed and wouldn't have it any other way. I love that our house is "the house" that kids love to be and feel at home to raid my cupboards.
I also am, as I have mentioned countless times, severely ADD impaired and sometimes find it hard to find my way out of a wet paper bag. My organization skills are pretty much non-existent and that is the main curse with this situation. So basically the visual is the little chores/task start collecting at my ankles, then more responsibilities start to pile on causing me to be a little bound at the knees. I try to start wiggling my way and tending to the knee high tasks.......get distracted and before I know it I am waist deep with random projects that need attention. Then that front end loader shows up with larger, more labor intensive projects and I find myself suffocating, frustrated and beaten down.
And I think that is my main concern......feeling beaten down. Kinda like a frustrated failure. I mean, I know I am not a failure.....but this feeling of being bound is so discouraging and I know part of it is the enemy speaking it into me and my spirit. He wants me to feel that way.
He tries to tell me that "See....you kept it "fun" all summer and now look at you. You are a mess. Who is the good mom now?!.....you can't even get your own act together, how are you going to lead and care for your children and family like this? You can't even take care of your own day to day agenda.....nevermind life!" Then he gives on last low blow.....he loves to remind us of all our shortcomings and ugly past......"You were a complete mess before and think you have it all together now in your life......but you don't. Once a mess, always a mess."
So yeah....that's not a fun place to be. The only good thing about having ADD is that something else will come soon enough to distract me......maybe a butterfly or a funny commercial.....and I move on. But it stays tucked away in my mind and it seems to be a place that is revisited more often lately.
Anyway........yesterday, I was dropping off one of the kids that took up residence at our place for the weekend.....and I got a phone call reminding me of yet another obligation. My brain started racing and I felt I was in that choke-hold position again. Fortunately I was driving so I couldn't run in my bedroom and hide under the covers and wish it away (not that I ever do that!). But right when I was getting to get prepared for a new and improved pity party (remember, I am the "hostest with the mostest" on those kind of parties) a certain song came on the radio.
Now I will say that I have heard this song before and being honest....I didn't really care for it. I mean, it was OK.....but I thought it was kinda too commercial for what I usually listen to. But I am guessing God wanted me to fine tune my "listening" ears and really hear these lyrics. The song is Free to be Me by Francesca Battistelli.
I found the video and posted the lyrics....at first I was thinking about singing it for you, but she does a much better job. (and I didn't want to break any of your best crystal, start the neighborhood dogs a-howling or your ears to possibly bleed)
I think the two lines that spoke to me the most (and brought me to tears with my hormonal self) are:
On my own I'm so clumsy but on Your shoulders I can see I'm free to be me
and
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me that I've got all You seek
So here you go.....(don't forget to pause my player)....
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
(Chorus)
And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe...
So yeah.....it def. spoke to me and reminded me that God loves me exactly the way He made me.....even when I am dis-combobulated (not sure if that is a word) and all. He has great plans for me and as long as I am seeking Him.....I am a winner.
Now I am going to step back from this mountain of chaos and with the help of prayer, start tackling it piece by piece. I made a list last night and so far.....even at 8:30 this morning, have already cross off two items......only 47 more to go! WOOT!
Have a beautiful day!
xox
*~Michelle~*
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