So Ez and are wrapping up History with The Great Depression. History is the one subject that I really do enjoy, but only now as an adult. Again, keeping it real.....I will admit that it feels like I am learning this all for the first time. I am sure I learned this all way back in the Stone Age when I was in school, but certainly focusing on who was taking who to the dance, having the most popular Earth Shoes and getting my Farrah Fawcett hairdo perfect was way more important. I am also guessing that due to the brain cell loss I have incurred over the past 20+ years is the reason I feel this is "new" to me.
Anyway, we were covering the Roaring Twenties that led up to The Great Depression when we read about Billy Sunday. Billy Sunday was a baseball player with the Chicago White Stockings (I am guessing they changed that to Sox??.......see? No clue about this stuff). Long story short, after hearing the love of Christ during a gospel on Sunday, he gave up his successful career as a professional baseball player. He felt the calling in his life to teach others about God and later became a preacher.
He was a huge source of encouragement during the 20's where many people were finding the unhappy/empty side of seeking material possessions rather than investing in their spiritual lives. His concern for reaching out to "the Lost" (the many souls that were searching for happiness with sinful lifestyles and alcohol addictions) brought about many powerful revivals. He encouraged these people to put their trust in the Lord instead.
He made this one statement and it really struck me;
"Going to church don't make anybody a Christian, any more than taking a wheelbarrow into a garage makes it an automobile"
After I read that statement.....I continued to read the rest of the chapter to Ezra, but to be honest.....the words were coming out of my mouth, but in my head it was like the Charlie Brown teacher voice.
These past few weeks......I am that wheelbarrow.
For example......sure, I am going to church, but what good is it that I am rejoicing and praising God during those couple of hours, when only an hour before, I am storming around the house and snapping at everyone to hurry up. Then I find myself walking out of church with a renewed sense of peace, only to be grumbling about what my duties are for the day, pointing out my childrens' shortcomings and/or starting an argument with my husband before we even get home.
So yeah, lately I have not been the nicest person to be around. I have been wound up like a top, barking orders and demanding respect when I am not showing any respect to others. I've had the "because I say so" attitude with my kids, rather than taking the time to explain why they can or cannot do something. I have my pity party "table-for-one-please" meltdowns, then wonder why nobody wants to be within 30 feet of me. It's exhausting me as well as exhausting the peace in our home.
So, I am searching and praying to have the heart of Jesus, all while I am struggling with an ugly hostile one. It's like I have a wrestling match within and the ugly side is winning. I know this is what is making me feel uneasy and edgy because generally......I am a happy person. It's so conflicting because I know God gave me a loving caring heart and these feelings are so foreign to it. And as I type.....the word conflict keeps ringing in my head, because this truly is a conflict....it is spiritual warfare.
The negativity that starts to consume me then starts attracting unforgiveness, resentment and then an overwhelming guilt for it all. I don't want to be one of those people who, like referenced in a Casting Crown's song......hide behind a stain glass masquerade. Trying to keep it all together and convince *myself* and others as well that I am a shiny happy person.....only to be bitter and angry inside. Trying to make sure they don't see that I am falling apart at the seams when no-one is around.
Thankfully, there is no "masquerade" with Jesus. He knows my heart......He knows my struggles and it is only by Him that this turmoil can be conquered. So I continue to seek His heart, His peace and His way of loving people. I pray that once this turbulence is gone, I will be prepared to guard my heart and mind with His Armor.
Do you ever struggle with emotions that you know are the total opposite of what God desires for us? If so......how do you stop it in its tracks? Do you have any specific Scripture or prayer to help me overcome these bouts of distress?
Thanks so much.....
Peace~
*~Michelle~*
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